When I got home earlier than normal on a Sunday my mind was still racing. So I changed real quick and decided to go for a walk/jog. I put on Slacker Radio strong women fitness channel and I got to trudging on. Now it might seem strange to you but every song was speaking to me. Keri Hilson’s ‘Energy’ wailed in my ears and I saw a picture of me.
Now I can feel a change in me and I can’t afford to slip much further from the person I was meant to be. I’m not afraid to walk alone. Not give it up but moving on before it gets to deep ’cause your taking all of my energy. – Keri Hilson ‘Energy’
I jogged on and though when did this happen? When did I stop believing? Why had I even began to believe I was ordinary that it was even a choice for me? The next song played Beyoncé Flawless remix ft. Nicki Minaj I saw another picture of me. This time I was sixteen and I believe the most confident I have ever been. This Lizzy looked at the world as her playground. She believed in herself was full of life and dreams. Let anyone dare tell her that she wasn’t everything. She would meet it with a laugh and sharp tongue. This is just the kind of braggadocios record she would walk home from school singing, rapping, and dancing. Not giving a care about anyone driving or walking by. They were simply experiencing beginning of greatness.
Yo, like MJ doctor, they killing me. Propofol, I know they hope I fall but tell ’em winning is my protocol. ‘Cause I score before I ever throw the ball. – Nicki Minaj ‘Flawless’
These thots can’t clock me nowadays. You wish I was yo pound cake. – Beyoncé ‘Flawless’
‘Cause we A-listers, we paid sisters! This watch right here done faced blizzards. I confess I woke up like this – Nicki Minaj
Another song blasted out this time it was Fantasia’s ‘Without Me’. Another braggadocios record that the teenage Lizzy would love but then I saw the picture of me again and I was so angry and frustrated lashing out.
And as hard as you try to hide reality, why we know the truth. So act brand new if you want to. But what would you be without me? – Fantasia ‘Without Me’
I saw it so clearly now I saw the moment things changed and I gave up on me. I heard every conversation from people telling me to “be realistic” or “be a productive member of society”. With every passing negative I became smaller and smaller. I chose to exist and not truly live what I just knew I could do.
I guess I look at it like this there are always two roads one of positives and one of negatives and sometimes these roads can merge together. I had so much disdain for the negative part of my journey that I forgot the positives that I learned and was. I let life take a huge chunk of me and stopped believing in the way I was made. Made to be anything but ordinary. I feel like she’s been trying to get out and help and I let life’s fears push her down again and again.
Even this blog has been challenging. Simply because the path I took to find clarity is so far from traditional. Who listens to those songs and sees clearer? I wish I had some deep moment of prayer to share that helped me but on the contrary it was talking to a friend and processing. I know I have a bunch of work ahead and a bunch of inquiring of God. Something shifted on that jog though it felt like every step I took the more my fears and doubts were crushed under my feet.
I am a risk taking, cliff diving, wave jumping, artist! Who is productively bringing beauty to the world around me. I will no longer be ashamed of my dreams and will decide to conquer them all. I made a goal to be as open and honest here so people could really see the journey with me. The good, the bad and the ugly. Truth be told you could be offended that I found clarity through a Beyoncé song but that’s none of my business. I don’t have time to hold back and be worried or afraid anymore.
This is my life! The real everyday misadventures of girl trying to be all that deep down she knows she can be. Today I decide to believe in God again and trust what I know is true. I hope you’re along for the ride but if not that’s cool too. Hopefully you can learn something from my vulnerability because that is all I will be serving up here. Say what you want I’m just being extraordinarily little old me.